How To Pee By The Side of the Road

posted May 19, 2020

Well. I was alerted by my friend Kris that someone googled this term and found my blog post from 2013. Advice for today’s Pandemic traveler!

You might thank me for this someday.

It’s broad daylight, you’re on the highway driving at 60mph and the urge strikes. You crane your head looking for signs for the nearest rest stop, the nearest exit, only to discover there IS no exit for 50 miles! You can’t hold it! You consider your options. You even look for receptacles to pee into, only to have your partner nix that idea (though I know plenty of rock bands who put an old Big Gulp cup to good use without blinking an eye.) You look for trees, shrubs, bushes, ANYTHING you might hide behind (and I am assuming, by the way, that you are a woman–men just seem to hop out of the car, turn their backs and let fly, so to speak.) But there’s a fence along the guard rail and miles of ankle-high weeds–that’s it.

Ah, the simplicity of the solution! I wish I could say I thought of it, but I didn’t. I wish I could give credit where credit is due, but I can’t–I don’t remember who taught me this trick, but here it is.

1. Travel with tissues and a plastic/zip lock bag (or a baby who has a diaper bag with container for gross bodily-fluid-contaminated items)
2. Pull over by the side of the highway
3. Open your door
4. Open the door behind you! (Warning: this only works if you drive a four-door vehicle that isn’t a van with those sliding doors)
5. You now have privacy. Sit on what would be the bumper of your car, if cars still had bumpers
6. Keep your tissue in the glove compartment, along with the zip lock bag–do not litter!
7. When you stop at the next rest stop and see a line full of women waiting to use the ladies room, smile and refrain from shouting “Suckas!”

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